Holding on to a sense of humor in the face of illness

For years, the fact that I fell asleep all the time was a joke. There are so many photographs floating around of me asleep on people’s couches, or in their cars, or on the bus next to them. There’s stories about all the outlandish situations that I dozed off in – in the middle of playing a video game, during a conference call, at a rock concert!

The exhaustion that I felt wasn’t funny, of course, but sometimes the situations could be pretty amusing. My friends would joke about how I fell asleep on their couch every time I came over. My roommate has a long-running series of snapchat photos that chronicles every time he caught me sleeping.

I would share the stories, too. I would talk about how I’m sure my math teacher in high school hated me because I fell asleep in every class but still got A’s on all the tests. When I returned from a trip to Iceland, I put up an album of travel photos – all of which were photos of me asleep. 

But after I received my narcolepsy diagnosis, it didn’t seem quite so funny anymore.

Being diagnosed with narcolepsy gave me a new perspective. While I’d had my suspicions for years before finally seeking help, receiving the actual diagnosis felt like it changed things. Reflecting on the past and knowing that all those silly times I fell asleep were actually symptoms of a disease makes them feel so different.

So what is it that makes these things feel less funny now?

In a way, I feel sorry for past Richelle. I understand now how she was suffering. She was fighting an exhaustion that she didn’t understand was abnormal. She thought it was her fault, and blamed herself. She thought that her sleepiness was no different from anyone else’s, and that she was simply being weak by not being able to fight through it. 

There’s an element of guilt, too, that if I find these things funny then I’m continuing the negative stereotype of narcolepsy. The narcolepsy community fights hard to correct the stigmas that have been created by popular culture. I should be working to make sure people know that this is not a funny disease. To find humor in something that is painful for others, especially something that I can understand, feels disrespectful.

But I think there’s a distinction to be made between finding narcolepsy funny and finding humor in some of the situations I personally find myself in.

I think there’s power that comes with finding the humor in things, and I think there’s clarity to be found as you work through this understanding. There’s an element of taking back control. There’s so much about living with narcolepsy that I don’t have control over, but dammit I’m going to find humor in some of the awkward situations that it causes.

So no, my disease is not funny, and perhaps all of the stories from my past don’t feel quite so innocent as they once did. But maybe when I lose at a video game because I fell asleep in the middle of it – well maybe I’m allowed to find that funny.