“Code Z!”
This is the term my partner and I came up with to indicate when I could feel the brain fog setting in.
It’s been difficult to accept naps as a necessity.
I’ve spent my life convincing myself that a nap was a waste of time. I should be maximizing my day, using every moment being productive. Sleeping is for the nighttime. Prior to my diagnosis, I would try to put naps off. As the sleepiness set in, I’d fight through it, thinking that maybe I’d just go to bed a little early that night.
Most of all, I was frustrated with naps because they often came out of nowhere, usually while I was trying to do something. I was sick of falling asleep every time I tried to read. I was sick of having to rewatch a movie because I’d missed a big chunk of it. The naps always seemed to sneak up on me right when it was most inconvenient.
When I was finally diagnosed with narcolepsy, I thought this meant that I would finally be able to sit for more than 15 minutes without falling asleep. I was excited to be productive again, without wasting large chunks of my day.
Except that’s not the way it works. Medications help with wakefulness, sure, but I still found myself falling asleep as I read, or watched movies, or any other countless number of activities. As I started to explore the narcolepsy community, the reality of napping began to emerge. For many, they’re a part of daily life. Naps are just a fact of life with narcolepsy.
This is not easy to accept.
We are constantly fed the idea of the “hustle.” Productivity is king. There’s so much information out there about how to maximize your time – countless books, podcasts, and articles, apps to help you manage your time and tasks, youtube videos to teach you all of the different planning techniques and to-do list layouts. Our society is obsessed with our accomplishments.
But rest is important, too. We’re finally starting to see a movement to embrace the importance of rest. For a person with narcolepsy, the idea of viewing rest as not only an acceptable use of time, but something to strive for is a huge relief. But it’s still a struggle.
Logically, I understand that naps are an important fact of my life now. Why are they still so difficult to accept when they happen?
How do I truly, fully, reprogram myself to accept rest as being just as important as crossing things off of a to-do list? Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s simply a personal matter, something that I need to work to change within myself. As a society, we need to continue to challenge the stigmas, to continue to champion the idea of rest as self-care, and to fight back against the idea that you are not useful if you are not productive.
If you search “how to nap” in Google, you’ll see articles teaching you how to “power nap like a pro,” countless tips and tricks for maximizing the benefits of your nap, and napping do’s and don’ts. Even the act of resting is being turned into a to-do list item. We have a long way to go.
I still fight against sleep when I begin to feel the weight growing in my head. I know that it’s a fact of my life -I know that it’s better for me physically and mentally, but I can’t help but feel guilty about it.
I’m trying to be kinder to myself, to not beat myself up when I do fall asleep. It’s a practice, and with time I hope to get better at it. As I learn to listen to my body and what it’s needs are, I hope to get better at recognizing when I need to nap and to get better at allowing myself that rest. Eventually, I hope that naps will no longer be a “Code Z!”, but rather a more positive experience that doesn’t need to be referenced as if it’s an emergency.